Every night when I tuck Sig into bed we tell each other how much we love each other. It’s normally like “I love you more than a monkey loves bananas” or “I love you more than Rainbow Dash loves kicking clouds” from me and something like “I love you more than the moon likes hot dogs” or “I love you more than Pinkie Pie likes mud” from her. Then we giggle, kiss goodnight and away we go. Tonight though was different. Tonight she brought me to tears with one simple question, “How long have you loved me?”
Wow, what a powerful question! Forever. Since I dreamed about having you when I was little and just wanted to be a mom. Since your dad and I met and talked about having a little girl named Signe. Since I prayed every month for a positive test while we were trying for you. Since that test came back positive. Since I first saw you on the ultrasound when you were the size of the sticker on your nightstand. Since I saw you again and you were the size of a banana. Since I felt you kick the can of cherry coke I rested on my stomach because you were so high I had a perfect ledge. Since I prayed for you to come out already. Since I held you in my arms the first time and got to kiss you the first time. Forever, Sig. I have literally loved you forever.
Then she asked me what it was like to have her live in my belly. I told her stories about when I was pregnant. Things I haven’t thought of in years, like the cherry coke kicking. In fact, she used to kick it off completely. How she would play games with me and how she hated the arm rests on my desk chair at Nonin.
Then she told me she loved me more than cows love ants. And that was that. For her. But here I am, almost an hour later, tears streaming down my face as I type this because it’s so all so real. A completely, all consuming love that you never knew was possible to have so deeply. Then to have it twice!?! What a blessing.
You see Tryg, I have loved you forever too. Since I was a little girl and dreamed of having a boy and a girl. Since we decided it was time to try for another baby. Since I once again prayed every month for a positive, and especially when it came back positive. I was scared to love you, I wanted you so badly. I’ve loved you since I first saw you when you were teeny tiny, and again when we learned you were without a doubt a boy. Since we had complications and so many tests had to be run to make sure you and I were ok. Since you failed movement test after movement test and we got the excuse to see you again to be sure you were fine. Since I had 3 solid nights of labor from sun down to sun up only to have contractions stop when I saw the sun. Since the doctor said after all of that I could have you that afternoon with a little induction help (yes please!). Since I held you in my arms the first time and kissed your perfect 10 apgar self. I’ve loved you forever Tryg.
And while I’m reminiscing, you were completely the opposite of your sister for pregnancy. You sat so low I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to sit any longer. You didn’t kick me nearly as much as your sister did, but when you did, you sure got my attention. The only time you would reliably kick was if your dad or Sig was talking to you. Not for me or anyone I was trying to let feel you, not for the doctors during ultrasounds and tests, no one else. You have ALWAYS been living life on your schedule and that hasn’t changed.
How long have you loved me? I can only imagine the memories and feelings that question brings up for anyone else.